Conditional Unconditional Love

The Story of a Child of Addiction

Author

Hope Yocum
August 12, 2024

I begin my story with a new perspective for the world to consider: the individual on the street corner begging for money whom you might disdain, the addict who injects themselves with a needle and incites your disgust, or the mother who abandons her children, whom you shroud in shame and guilt with relentless judgment.

CONDITIONED TO UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

The Sadness Begins

From the beginning, I sensed it...

I can honestly declare that from a very young age, I was aware something was amiss with the world; I can attest to that. I'm almost certain that most children aged three and four feel secure. I say 'almost' because, regrettably, I cannot be sure, having never felt that security myself. My earliest childhood memories are filled with yelling and crying. The first memory of being held in someone's arms is of my older sister covering my ears in a corner, protecting me from the screams and the sound of shattering glass as my parents fought. If by any chance she reads this, I want to say thank you.

 

The effects of parents fighting on a child can include1234:

  • Distress, fear, anger, anxiety, and sadness

  • Higher risk of health problems

  • Disturbed sleep

  • Difficulty in focusing and succeeding at school

  • Disrupted early brain development

I never understood cause and effect as I do today at 38 years old even though it has been explained a thousand times to me over the years. The only reason I think it finally clicked was due to my second, current and LAST husband Alex. He showed me what it feels like to be unconditionally loved for the first ever. Even though I have unconditional love for my children I myself have never felt it till the last five years, even then it took me four of those five for it to sink into my thick skull.

Childhood trauma is linked to a higher risk of addiction and various mental health issues. Such trauma can result in a dysregulated stress system, potentially heightening the susceptibility to addictive behaviors. Experiencing psychological trauma, particularly abuse and domestic violence before the age of 11, may lead to an increased chance of drug experimentation during adolescence, regardless of any history of mental illness. Moreover, childhood trauma and maltreatment can lead to abnormal brain structure, contributing to cognitive difficulties and behavioral problems.

BROKEN DREAMS HE SMASHED

I cherish his opinion always until he smashes my dreams. Happens every time. He never fails to show how he never cares….. My ending always seems to be this every single time. God why would I ever think he or anyone else would care about anything I put my time into. Silly me! I am and always will be the broken child screaming for love. This last part I edited in. I felt it was now on my heart to do so. I have learned to never trust to share anything again with anyone I thought maybe might care or have a interest in me for anything other than their own needs. I WILL BE SMARTER FROM NOW ON.